These are the three main emotions that the focus of my thoughts swings between much of the time.
I have often changed radically in my life. I reinvent myself every few years. One year I am doing a degree, another year traveling the world, another living in a foreign country and another living at home. It is not that I am running from difficulties that I do not want to face like so many have said. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I see there is much in the world to experience and enjoy, so I will take the chance in this short life to do so.
When always a young child my grandfather died of a heart attack at the age of fifty. Before he died he had four strokes. I loved him so much, I still think of him and I am forty one. Even though his death saddened me he gave me a great gift. That gift was he taught me to appreciate people while they are still in your life. Those you love show them love because it is impossible to tell when they will no longer be in your life. In my novel one of the characters experiences the death of her father, the only person who cared about her. She experiences terrible inner pain and heartache and that changes her life drastically.
The death of my grandad also made me determined to enjoy life. I have tried so many different ways of living. There is one disadvantage to my way of life. I often get stuck between the excitement of taking a risk and the hope I will enjoy an experience and the fear that the next move in my life may be a mistake and I may regret the consequences. That has happened in the past.
Do I let fear dominate my decisions and I end up doing nothing with my life or do I trust in life that my venture will be successful? In the end I choose hope.
The common thread in my life despite all these changes I make is my desire to love and be loved. I think this is the primary most important experience in life and I always aim to have love in my life. Love is my driving force. Unfortunately the changes that take place within me and my life means that the love I have in my life changes. Close friends drop away and I have to make new friends. I may be so far away geographically that I do not have the same amount of love from my family. Chatting around a table and a Chinese takeaway is replaced by phone calls, e-mail and skype.
I am living now in my own home a thirty minute drive away from where I was brought up despite living thousands of miles away in foreign countries. Now I am on the journey of being an author. I have so much to learn. I am thankful that my first book Easter Rising 1916 A Family Answers The Call For Ireland`s Freedom is very successful. The thoughts and feelings I have written into my characters are now on display for anyone who chooses to read my books. I am more exposed than I have ever been in my life.
I still choose hope, hope is the only positive choice of emotion in times of change. I will do my best to keep doing what I love which is writing. I will endure the negative reviews authors always get. Above all I will continue to believe in myself.